God, this is where You have placed me, let me not waiver...let me not be discouraged for You have said in Your word, "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with You wherever you go" - Jos 1:9
It has indeed been a v trying time...friends disappoint, friends let you down, a relative passing away, a not-so-smooth sailing time at work, a failed rship, etc...all these things have culimnated to today's event - smth i prob wouldnt forget for a long enough time....fancy shedding tears and hyperventilating in my Clare's face...persis persis...sigh... Well, i only take comfort in knowing, at the very least, why i reacted the way i did...why i cld no longer contain my pain and distress... All the things tt have been gg on seem to say 1 thing to me - redundant....real or not, true or not, this is jus how my brain perceives them and i seriously need to grow stronger and change my own thinking patterns before i attempt to help others... Perhaps a suppression all this while, what happened today made me feel that i was am not useful, i am not needed by anyone, that i am simplY REDUNDANT...since young, dad has often said i was dumb, etc...nothing abt me seemed to make others happy...and yet, what others think of me or feel towards me is so impt to me...then as i was growing up, i was often 'rejected' by those i liked...and even as I'm grown up now, the ones that matter most to me say they are sick of me, they rather not talk to me, and some who claim they love me even gave up on me, and even chose my best friend over me...what they think and feel towards me mean so much...yet all i hear from these special people is that i am not needed anymore, i am not wanted anymore... ='(
and i am just trying to feel better by telling me that no matter what happens, even if the whole world hates me, Jesus loves me.. and perhaps He is even putting me thru' this vigorous ultimate test is so tt i will truly see and feel that He is the only one that never will fail, that never will change and will always love me...regardless.... ='(
I need to indeed reflect on this incident, grow from it and move on...but now, i duno how... im jus so tired of existing...='( i wish sometimes that i will jus disappear, and perhaps ppl will regret what they have ever said or done to me...? Maybe they wldnt but by then I will not knw coz i am no longer around....
God, help me not to think and feel this way...pls...coz i knw when we hurt, You hurt too and You wld never want us to be defeated but be conquerors in You...This is the work of the devil, and in Jesus'name, You take these self-defeating thoughts and feelings away from me Lord... Help me to keep trusting You even when things dont seem right.. Heal my soul frm these hurts and pain & restore unto me the joy of Your salvation...Thank you Lord... ='( Help me to be all that you want me to be...persistent in all that You've called me to be....Amen....
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It is from this we learn and grow and i am glad you have decided to choose the right way to approach the incident. It might be good that things turn out the way they are now. Remember God's bigger plans for you.... =)
OK, I finally got around posting this comment after you gave permission.
Hi Persis, I'm quite worried after reading your post, so I decided to write you a comment. Hopefully when you read this it may make you feel better and give you a different perspective viewing reality.
I'm not here to lecture you, and I'm not here as a 'sucking-up' friend who is here to say "everything will be fine, it's all right" (clearly it's not) and other things that only give short-term comfort. While I'm speaking as a friend. I'm also here to say things that perhaps your friends were too afraid to say (I'm assuming), perhaps in fear that it could damange the friendship. I'm here to tell you things that you need to acknowledge, so to you I may be very blunt and to the point. Why would I do this? Because I value your well-being over our friendship. Personally I think this is what friends are for, not there to maintain the friendship, but there to help each other grow.
To start off, about what you said about your dad, I'd like to share a similar experience. My parents (both of them) did the same thing when I was young. But you know what I did? I ignored what they said & sought to prove how wrong they were. It became a challenge and goal in life for me. Parents always say things that hurt a lot, and never realize the potential to leave a scar. Don't make your life one where you exist for the purpose of satisfying other peoples expectations, it's worth nothing compared to your own.
How others see you is unimportant, for every important people you know there are a hundred other people who will potentially dislike you, it's just a fact of life. How other people see you is worth nothing, it's how you see yourself and value yourself that's important. If you view yourself in good light, it doesn't matter if a thousand people reject and hate you. However, if you see yourself in poor light, it's worthless even if the whole world likes you. Don't you think so? Just because you were rejected by some important people in your life does not mean the whole world is rejecting you, you shouldn't generalize it to everyone.
Life is about moving on, it's one of the ways to be happy. Move on not to forget, but as a reminder. If you want to be stronger like you say you want to, it's something that you need to learn (if you havn't done so already). Growing up is about change, clearly you know that, but what I think you don't know is that for that to happen you need to find out what your flaws are (self-awareness) so you can correct it. So regarding you wanting to "change my own thinking patterns", here it is...you have a 'naive realist' thinking style (before you start feeling bad, it's a very common thinking style). You believe that 'what you think' is 'what reality is' (which goes a long way in explaining why you feel the world is rejecting you & everyone thinks you're redundant).
Don't think that because your childhood has a history of rejection that it's somehow 'fated' today and in the future. The present & future are formed by the choices you make, random chance, and the actions of others. Since you have free-will you are always in control of the present & your future. After explaining that, I hope you don't feel 'trapped', because you always have a choice. Remember this whenever you feel down, you always have a choice.
There's no point saying every day "i need to be stronger" when you don't introspect yourself and be more self-aware. After that all you need is the will to act (the easy part), the will to change your flaws you've identified. Everyone has flaws, whether a person decides to correct them is what makes them stronger. If you have trouble finding out, personally, I think it's best to ask a friend (from personal experience, friends are less biased than family members, but that's just me).
Don't ever let somebody tell you that you cannot do something. There are people in the world who can't do somethings themselves, they want to tell you you can't do it. Don't ever tell yourself you cannot do something.
Yes, I know, this comment is longer than your post. Sorry about that.
After re-reading this comment, I'm not sure if I should send it to you. I hope it did more good than harm.
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